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May 24
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Okay everyone, here's a little humour for you. I have just gotten done watching the latest X-men movie and I realise that I would just be ridiculously evil if I were the real Magneto (not the movie one). So, just like with my last humour piece "Why I Shouldn't Be the Noblesse", here is a bit of humour on why I shouldn't be Magneto.

Reason Numba #1:

I'm Asian. That alone is reason enough. I'm sure you're familiar with the fact that different races all have different racial attributes when our characters are first rolled in the game of life (i.e. when we are spawned from our mummy's womb). Asians get a HUGE bonus to intellect, often with extra feats like 'intense focus' and 'plotting' as well as 'patience'. These are all traits that would benefit Magneto's powers and I will show you how over the next few reasons.

Reason Numba #2:

Consider the following: Magneto tends to openly show his powers instead of hiding them. This is a fundamental mistake. CONFUSE your opponent by hiding yourself and exposing all of their weaknesses. Clearly Magneto has had zero training as a TRUE assassin. First, I would always wear Assassin's gear. Second, I would always wear a mask because SCREW showing your true face. Use it to avoid being hunted, the mask is your real face anyway. Third, I would always keep a knife or other piece of metal on my body, you could avoid metal detectors easily through the use of your powers to cause a malfunction. Fourth, I would train my powers solely for assassination and combat, no stupidity of lifting submarines and other pointless acts.

Reason Numba #3:

Asians have 'intense focus' this means that through meditation, we can increase our powers of concentration and heighten our intellect passively. This in-turn would allow me to develop a metal sense. Not only would I be able to control and manipulate metal, but the electromagnetic waves that I utilise will in turn become an extension of my senses. The very nuts and bolts inside the submarine would become a weapon and from a hidden point, when they are least suspecting it, I would launch a bolt out, as though supercharged by a mass-driver/railgun and simply assassinate weak characters like that wind guy or Azazel. Sebastian shaw might be tougher if his energy absorption is a passive skill instead of an active one.

Reason Numba #4:

Vengeance is easily gotten. I would focus then on becoming a number one Hitman. I get the job done and I make the money, everything else about my life is a secret. I mean seriously, why lift stadiums and do other nonsense when manipulating a tiny metallic blade (heck razors, tiny shuriken or other devices) would be enough for me to kill any human or meta-human. Need an example of how to kill different types of superheroes? Let me show you, strictly using electromagnetic powers:

Telepath - What controls the brain? Electrical impulses. Through 'intense focus' and without them being able to look into my eyes, it is easy to feel the 'heartbeat' of their brain. I would then silence it, effectively blood-bending them to my will. I would then EQUALIZE the telepath by ensuring he could not use his powers again. How to do so? Overload key areas of his mind with an excess of shocks. This would require me to be in direct contact with them, but that can be achieved through poison-laced daggers and needles, hardly a challenging task. Concentration is all you need.

Elemental Mutant (powers of fire, ice, lightning etc.) - These guys are ridonkulously simple. If I trained in Assassination, I would simply hide myself. Elemental mutants don't have a sensory ability, or a healing factor, they will die if you put a poisoned needle through them. End of story.

Teleporters - Teleporters are tougher because of their ability to attack from anywhere. So play defensively, create a powerful electromagnetic shield and then focus on gravity manipulation (which Magneto in the comics is capable of since gravity is based on electromagnetic fields). A teleporter has high mobility but weak offense and defense, having to rely on guns and blades. I doubt he/she is going to assault me with sticks and harsh language so an electromagnetic field SHOULD protect me. I would then focus on increasing the gravity upon them...until they learn to KNEEL.

Telekinesis users/Psychic Attackers - These are very tricky and almost my bane, almost...Beating them would require the use of my 'plotting', 'patience' and 'intense focus' feats. First of all a telekinesis user's (TKers for short) powers are based on meta-manipulation of what is essentially a physical force. This means that non-physical forces such as a sharp controlled electro-magnetic pulse burst, cannot actually be blocked. So first and foremost I would need to lure the TKer into a dark room (essentially anywhere powered by electricity) and by forgoing a shield and instead creating a wide electromagnetic field to disrupt their brainwaves, I would then be able to stop their sensory telekinesis. I would then move silently to a location where I can meditate and wait while they fumble about or attack the darkness. I would then focus on slowly building up a strong charge between my hands. The TKer must also be trapped in the room without an easy escape. Most likely they won't try to just burst out because of both fear and indecision. They will not believe that their powers can fail. Now I'll only have one chance at this next step so it has to work: What causes your heart to beat? Electricity, what do I control? Essentially that. By creating a powerful but small pulse of electricity, it should be able to penetrate their shield (which I naturally assume they'll put up because otherwise I can just put a knife through their body) and stop their heart from beating. Boom, one shot, one kill. I then flee into the night going, "Hahyahahahaha"

Healers - Okay, these guys suck because they regenerate from everything. They are just literally unfair, but they lack sensory powers and so you can fall back on hiding...usually. Next you must find out how their factor works and if they are able to feel pain. What is pain? An electrical impulse. So first, hide, wait, be patient. Build up a charge as sharp as a sword. When they are close, pounce and drive the charge through their body, attacking the nerves directly. It would be like the cruciatus curse, except without magic. However, you must make sure they don't have comrades to assist them and you must have a two - four hour time-frame with a pre-prepared vat of acid (a barrel will do). The intense pain of torture from their constantly regenerating nerve cells and your overload of said cells will render them unconscious. You will then be able to dump them into acid or molten lava or whatever, let's see if they regenerate from that eh? Assassination complete.

Batman - You don't win against the batman.

Superman - You can always win against superman. How? He doesn't kill. Carry a hidden blade with a magnetic bottom that is basically a kryptonite shiv. Wait for him to grapple with you, shank the muthafucka. Drive blade into his body, Superman melts into goo. Doned.

Reason Numba #5:

Last one. If I were Magneto, there would be no brotherhood of mutants, none of that. I would stay hidden so I can enjoy my existence which is why I emphasize the use of a mask. Information is power and the less they have about you, the better.

-Chen, May 24th 2014
Hai there,

Just some humour since my last two pieces were serious. Peace-out guys, I'mma crash in bed x'D

-Chen :iconwordofchen:
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klevry1 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
human are ferromagnetic do you think perhaps mutants with telepathy abilities are not?
Vivacia18 Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014
Bahaha, oh this is just too good :XD: I've been in an internet blackout for awhile, and now that I'm back online, this was definitely a good intro back into the World of Chen :D
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Professional Writer
Haha, glad to have you back m'dear ^^

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
GammaWolfman Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Professional Writer

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
GammaWolfman Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014
StrawberryVertigo Featured By Owner May 26, 2014
I don't even think you have the capacity to be Magneto at all! Me I am just trying to avoid being a "loki" and all by being hella destructive just to work out family issues. I mean I already distanced myself from my folks and all but it seems we're far too nice. Have you ever had a chance to be a "villain" in someones eyes but chose to be passive instead? 
WordOfChen Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Professional Writer
Aww I don't? :c Why not x'D

And I usually play the villain in most situations. It's just better that way

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
Moleboi Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Professional Writer
you have clearly given this a huge amount fo thought...*scared now*
WordOfChen Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Professional Writer
Haha, well I'm not a mutant so you'll be fine mate ^^

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
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