Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconwordofchen: More from WordOfChen


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 8, 2013
File Size
930 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,859
Favourites
168 (who?)
Comments
13
×
Under You:

Beneath the surface of the water,
There is silence, peace and darkness.

Blessed silence.
To mute the mouths of men,
To drown the voice of the world.
Surrounded by ignorance,
I choose not to hear your whispers.

Blessed peace.
Without death or pain,
Without birth and life;
Surrounded by denial,
I reject this sense of self.

Blessed darkness.
Without colour or light,
Denying all that is around me;
Surrounded by emptiness,
I am blind within this cage.

Muted, ignorant and blind,
I sleep beneath the surface of the lake.
Eternally drenched, eternally drowned,
I am the you beneath the surface.

-Chen Yuan Wen, 8th July 2013
As the Captain put it simply:

"Turnin' crappy secrets inta poetry since they wish to take our category. Bonus points if anyone can recognise them, not that ye should be able to at least. Bwaha!"

So, while the Captain is busy packing (He's flying back to Singapore on the 12th YAY!), enjoy his transformation of simple secrets into real poetry.

-Co-Captain Bunny Hayes
Add a Comment:
 
:iconeternalflame105:
This is my very first critique, so I apologize in advance if I am not doing something right.

I am very picky about the poetry I read, especially since I write my own and I am hard on myself sometimes XD Thing is, The title and the first two lines of the poem are what drew me in. So awesome job on the hook. :iconcheerplz:

Second, I love how you italicized the first line of each stanza, and especially used the same word to begin each one. It reminds me a little bit of a Rondeau, except the line repeats at the end of each stanza instead of the beginning. Nice twist!

And just the imagery in general, How you explain the italicized lines, and especially the ending... AWSOME! Thank you for sharing this piece, as well as a lot of your work. It's enjoyable to read :iconcheerplz::meow:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
13 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconfubukihime:
fubukihime Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013
This is a wonderful poem, and it greatly describes how I'm feeling recently around my friend. I hope you don't mind if i use this to help me comfort her. :-) (Smile) 
Reply
:iconsolsticecarol:
SolsticeCarol Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013
That's fascinating... One of my favourites so far.
Reply
:iconsmokedragon:
smokedragon Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013
Without more context, I am hesitant, but a secret isn't a secret if it's not kept, so... to put it in a different light, one where it may not have anything to do with the actual secret...this piece is beautifully written, the imagery is rich and consistent, the feeling is haunting; it begs introspection. Who is keeping secrets from whom? Perhaps they keep secrets from themselves...
Reply
:iconjae10:
Jae10 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Good free verse :3
Reply
:iconlolnyny:
lolnyny Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
I loove so much all that you write! Beautiful! :) This one is clearly one of my favorite! :)
Reply
:iconeraven77:
ERaven77 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really like your poetry. I would love to know what you think of mine. Check it out and let me know when you have time WordOf Chen :)
Reply
Flagged as Spam
:iconmaemi-sedai:
Maemi-Sedai Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't know what to say. Wow just don't cover it. :heart:
Reply
:iconskylark-13:
Skylark-13 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Student Writer
I like the poem... But I don't know if I agree with the reasoning. ><
I'll keep my opinions to myself though since I don't want a billion people giving me every reason to be wrong.
Reply
:iconsilversahde:
Silversahde Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
It's a shame that people don't respect other's opinions if it differs from their own. I constantly get into arguments with a friend of mine because she would tell me my opinion was wrong, simply because my opinion was different than hers
Reply
Add a Comment: