Sta.sh
They Watch Us:
Perched high upon the mountains;
With wings as black as night.
They watch us in the hour,
Before darkness turns to light.
I've seen them in my visions;
In dreams they come and go,
But the things they seem to tell me
I guess nobody should know...
I've seen children that are buried,
Beneath a frozen lake.
A maiden sits there weeping;
Her heart is soon to break.
The crows flutter downward,
A noose amongst their hands.
They take the maiden away,
To a dark and distant land.
And even if I follow -
Even if I try...
I'll simply end up buried,
Where the frozen children lie.
-Chen Yuan Wen, 10th November 2012
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I gave you four stars on originality, because while I feel the themes and actors you've used are common in poetry, you've used them well. You've created something that manages to be simultaneously unique, and yet feel almost old, as if it belongs in a book of old spooky poems next to The Raven.
In terms of technique I felt there were only a few hiccups, and they were minor.
In the second stanza, I think "no one" would flow better than "nobody"
In the third stanza, I find myself wondering why the weeping maiden's heart is "soon to break" when it seems as if it is or should be already broken, or at least in the process of breaking. Something like, "I watch as her heart breaks," perhaps?
The fourth stanza you switch tenses briefly to future tense to talk about "The crows will flutter downward," and then back to present when "They take the maiden away." This could be fixed easily by just dropping the word will, for "The crows flutter downward."
Also in the fourth stanza, you refer to a noose amongst the hands of the crows, but crows don't have hands. You could preserve the rhyme by having them place the noose into her hands instead.
The final stanza I think is flawless and the strongest part of the poem. It's a very powerful finish, and it's absolutely chilling.
Overall, my critiques are minor ones, and I think this is cool, chilling, powerful, and darkly fun.
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