(I know that everything that needs to be said has probably now already been, but hopefully you can salvage something from this pile o’ text here).

When I began writing (don’t try looking, there’s nothing on here), I was utterly obsessed with delving directly into a well constructed, moving, thought-provoking idea that would inspire others to stop for a moment, a think. Nothing specific, just sit and think in general. But it took me a while to realise that simply developing an idea, and nursing it, isn’t enough on its own. There’s three concepts you need to keep in mind.
Idea
Vocabulary
Tone

(Be careful, I’m about to bombard you with nonsensical ramblings):

Idea, of course, is the easiest to accomplish, and you’ve clearly demonstrated it in this piece! You’ve written the basic idea that, despite what happens in life, nothing is completely lost - it’s simply misplaced, and it’s patiently awaiting your return, and even the inevitable ‘end’ is but a gateway to rebirth. The way you refer to whomever they are (friends, family, children, the girl-next-door, the family pets, even), as just that: them/they, rather than being completely specific (you could have easily added constraints to it by saying children or loved-one), allows for a certain ambiguity. But, it’s not a ‘Oh, I’m so confused, it doesn’t make sense’ style, it’s more of a ‘He’s purposely left it empty for me to fill with whatever I’ve lost myself’, and I applaud you for that – in my instance, I’m reminded of my mother, whereas others may feel that connection to their husband, wife, etc., etc.

Now, when I leave my critical mind behind, and focus just on the thought behind the piece, you’ve dropped your readers into a vat of feelings, in which they can fill in the empty area with their own, which I love to see in writing, and especially in the more philosophical written word (READ: poetry). It’s slightly let down by the, not poor, but not overly-expressive lexicon.

Vocabulary and tone go nearly hand in hand with one-another, and seeing as you’ve done well with the tone (I love the line “and you can feel their warmth on the lonely nights”), so there’s only a little revamping you need to do.
What I mean is that certain words poke and prod at different parts of a person; some conjure the readers’ own emotions, some imply the author’s feelings, and others just sound really nifty! There’s where your story is limited; you need to expand upon this. There are words that have certain tones that sound strong, others sound soft and velvety, while others are crisp (such as crisp itself). Tonality is generally something that happens subconsciously, especially if you physically true to implement vocabulary.
So, write a piece such as this, completely ignoring vocabulary, and what the story sounds like. Even if it seems completely simple, just continue to write, disregarding your own critic. Then read over it again-and again, and pick out each section, then decide what feelings you’re trying to convey. Once you have a clear-as-acrylic picture of what’s occurring in each, let’s say, stanza, for example, then you can (now this will sound simplistic, stupid even, but it DOES work, especially once you get into the habit) search around for synonyms, get a fairly large list, and the rest is just experimentation with those word-lists. Find passionate words, sharp words, words that leap of the page and excite every aspect of a person when positioned in the piece.
Simple modifications can alter the enter piece, making it 10x as dynamic as it is in the first-draft. The tones of the vocabulary you decide to use are what the reader experiences before anything else, and if they’re not thrilled by it, often they won’t give the ideas a second thought.

Sorry, I tend to over-expand on such a simple subject – I love your ideas, and they’re beautiful once thought about, and you’ve got quite a wonderful grasp on tones and sentence structure, but you need to flesh out the story/poem a little more with imagery, metaphors, and more emotional language, that way you’ll inspire the readers to give it a second glance. Don’t be discouraged, everything can be improved, and what you have is still delightful! Keep up the wonderful work, and I look forward to seeing your next pieces!
Oh, did I mention? Love the scarf and beanie!

Upon writing poems (I'm sorry, I don't have any posted on DeviantArt yet) I want you to think of one thing

WORDS

the spoken word, is designed to be quick, enunciated, and to mean something very fast to abrase ideas in the simplest and smoothest language. We say "Go to the supermarket." It does not mean anything else, because we simply want the receiver of the message to go to the damned supermarket instead of reading into our words! We use slang to mean one thing in a faster meaning than the word it is substituting. Very few people would actually speak in the paragraph I just composed out to you. Most likely it would have been summed up in a few short phrases.

However, the written word is an entirely different art. Without the time constraint that the spoken word dictates, the written word is suspended, regardless of time. Slang becomes obsolete, with the exception of creating an overtone to the piece, such as in dialogue or with first person narratives. Instead of saying "I was sad" A written word can take the time to paint the words deeper, with phrases like "She blossomed cold within me, icy tendrils embracing my heart." Metaphors like "The rain fell on a cloudless day," or even stretch it to visuals by saying something along the lines of "and as her body departed, it left its marks in riverbeds of tears, and furrowed brows."
Not something you would say, but paints a gorgeous image for writing.

So what frustrates me about this piece is not your intention-- That is beautiful, and I wouldn't change anything about it-- no, what irks me is your lack of vocabulary. In a written word you have all of the time in the world, to make allusions and illusions or to insert multiple meanings in the context of the story you create in only a few words.

Your vision is an artists-view, your vocabulary needs a bit of aging. Though I cannot say t is poor. The phrase "And you can hear their whispers when the wind is blowing" is as close to imagery as you come.

Your piece is a wonderful Prose, but not quiet a poem. The reason I am being a bit harsh in this review isn't because I did not enjoy it, but simply because I did! I want to see you take this as next poem's skeleton, and instead of hanging the bare bones naked on the wall and calling it a day, take the time to breathe life into it.

This is one of my favorite websites, take a look at it.

READ SOME BOOKS especially on poetry. Imagery is a poet's tool, not a poet's scourge.

Though I don't expect a reply of such demands, I will offer my version of what I would have done to this poem if you want a more concrete idea. I don't expect you to accept-- I'm not necessarily the type of artist who likes my works tampered with either, and yet I still offer.

Enjoy and keep writing! Never Stop!

[link]