Sta.sh
Immortal Butterfly:
I remember the Immortal Butterfly
Translucent wings that drank from the sky
Glittering dust would fall with every flap
Like warm tears dripped upon my tiny back
I would always chase this butterfly
as it makes its way across the sky
When I look I feel as though I can forget
The painful needles that twist into my back
I would always dream of this butterfly
and I wonder if I could ride it and fly in the sky
When I dream about it, I don't regret
Not being able to leave this tiny bed
Sometimes I can't see the butterfly
My vision turns grey like a stormy sky
I get scared during those times, because it makes me think
Of how everything could fade, before my eyes can blink
I remember when you first brought me this butterfly
You said you plucked it right out of the sky
Did you know it was the first thing that made me smile?
I'll tell you that story, so let me rest awhile...
I love...this little butterfly
It gave me dreams...of a beautiful sky
Although it was something... that I could never see
I thank you...for sharing...this gift with me...
-Chen Yuan Wen, 7th September 2012
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The repetition of the Butterfly and Sky is also nice. At first I thought it was a bit annoying, but afterwards, I sort of feel like it represents the constant beating of the butterflies wings - which was clever.
There's a conflict of tense here I think:
I would always chase this butterfly
as it makes(d) its way across the sky
It's always hard for poems to have a rhyme that doesnt feel forced, and I dont know if you're quite there. Plus, the rhyme of AABB isn't followed all the way through, and I'm not sure why.
If I was going to say anything about it that would make it better, I would say, try and think more creatively about the rhyme. And maybe in a few places, try and edit the flow of the line to make it sit easier if you were reading it out.
Other than that, it's a fantastic idea and well thought out - I haven't seen many (if any!) poems that end so beautifully.
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