How to Form a Metal Band:
Note: This is just a humour piece and is not a part of the appeal so just sit back and relax ^^
--Step One: Can you growl/be really high-pitched?--
a) Yes: Proceed to the next step
b) No: Find a new job
--Step Two: What does your growl/shriek sound like?--
a) OO-WAH-Ah-Ah-Ah: You are mentally unsound, proceed to heavy or death metal
b) SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: You are a viking wannabe, proceed to power or heavy metal
c) IIIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: Demons possess your throat, proceed to death or black metal
d) *Unintelligibly high shrieking noise*: You might have been born in a dirty cradle, proceed to black or power metal
e) ULULULULULULULULULU: Wrong genre, find a new job...
--Heavy metal: What do you like to sing/growl about--
a) I don't like to sing, I just like to growl: In that case find a female singer with a good voice so you can growl away while she sings. You may need to shift into fantasy metal for this one. However, should have problems with your female singer (with an awesome voice) and suddenly remove her from the band to be replaced by a weak vocalist, then sadly you will have to make wishes at night .___.
b) I like to growl about war, torment, death, hell; without being outright satanic: Get some piercings under your lip and shave your head. Congratulations you are now ready for some serious action. OOOO-WAH-AH-AH-OW! Occassionally animals may exist within your soul and there is the problem of you being locked away in asylums for periods of time, but overall you will find your career fruitful.
c) I dunno, maybe some stuff about dragons; I see 'em when I'm high: In that case I recommend donning a suit of armor. Congratulations you evolved into fantasy metal. Now at this point, you might have evil dreams. In order to banish them, you must become the chosen one, hunt dragons and get into the book of heavy metal.
--Power Metal: What do you like to sing/shriek/growl about--
a) THOR, ODIN, VIKING, MEN, HAIRY CHESTS AND HONOUR: Oooookay, grow a beard, shift into heavy metal, try to wear ancient norse regalia. Growl often and mention wars between gods and of course Odin and Thor. In fact Odin and thor need to be in every song. In fact, you can compose a song entirely with the words Odin and Thor growled at different volumes.
b) Never-giving in, real-life issues, occasionally dracula, mostly the real stuff: Long hair is still a requirement as you must spin your head profusely on stage. This is especially important for the guitarist who will be required to send his brain cells through a spin-cycle with nearly every chorus. It might also help to have a deep and gravelly voice :3 This MAY or MAY NOT lead to evolution into Heavy Metal.
c) WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH: Um, okay I take it you just like to hit the high notes. Don spandex and speak about warriors and honour and valkyries and gods and war. Done! You are now a true sir of conflict!
d) I like to sing about God, the angels, everything pure and wonderous about the light. However, I want it known that all of this comes with war, crusade, holy vengeance and destruction!: ...You...you funny guy...I like you. Alright, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You can choose to use lots of angelic imagery in your words, always talk about the light and mention merlin or king arthur somewhere sneaky. That said, if you include an amazing female drummer, you may evolve into a rock band instead and change your topics slightly to personal issues and waking up at night. At this point you will evolve into a frying pan that remains comatose and will never wake up without an overdose...of you .____.
--Black Metal: What do you like to sing/shriek/growl about--
a) THE DEVIL! EVIL! DARKNESS! I CARVE PENTAGRAMS INTO MY SKIIIIIIIN: Aaaaalrighty then, make plenty of songs about descent into madness; how religion eats away at us (while promoting your own dark religion) and be sure to use plenty of serpentine imagery to assure your loyalty to the dark prince is proven. Eating of bats/sacrifice of pretty females, MAY or MAY NOT be required depending on your stance and fervor. It is highly recommended to keep bail money under the pillow and to whisper deeply disturbing things to your roommates at night. You may also choose to live in a City of Darkness, quite scenic in the summer ^^
b) I'm more about the darkness of the human soul and the descent into madness. I may work in tandem with females at times: Alrighty then, find a female singer who is willing to join your dark order. Let her know that she will be in the eternal service of Lilith immaculate. Burn her at the stake occasionally in music videos and generally use very very high-pitched shrieking growls to put emphasis on places where you've forgotten the actual lyrics.
c) I like to just sing about agony and pain and how nothing in the world works for me: Um, this genre may not be correct for you. I recommend looking at rock or heavy metal at best. Or maybe just metal in general. That said, it is a requirement that you go and break some guy named Benjamin; it will improve your record sales tremendously. Where you break him is up to you. I personally recommend the knee-caps. CAUTION!: Benjamin may not bow or break and may instead shut the world away .___.
d) I like to just sing about agony and pain and how nothing in the world works for me, BUT I have FABULOUS HAIR and also I fake my screams and growls: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah um...right...uh, listeeeen, I don't know how to tell you this but, you're not...um...you're not in the right genre...or industry...or planet actually...but here's the upside. You can still be a bride ^^
--Death Metal: What do you like to growl unintelligibly about--
a) RAIN WILL WASH OUT DIRT AND SADNESS. LEAVE TEMPORARY MADNESS!: ...Righto...uh, not sure what to do with you. I guess you could make a few songs about winning...all the time...and I guess you ought to write one or two about red rain and things like that.
b) I don't actually speak english as a first language: Find a female vocalist to cover for this. You are now the Violator. Your name shall be a synonym of Blood Dirtied Offspring. Occasionally you may sing in your native language...but when you do no one will understand it anyway. That's cool though, no one understands the english version either ^^
c) I have a show!: You're not a real band and you mispelled Clock
d) *Random growling noises that sound like a caged animal*: There are about sixteen of you guys around. Protip: Increase the playing skill of your band, stop using the 'heaviest' note to play EVERY song. Focus on good rifts and solos. Growl about rainbows and ponydust (nobody will understand it anyway). If you overcome this speaking difficulty, I recommend heavy metal to you ^^
-Chen Yuan Wen, 20th July 2012