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How to Form a Metal Band:

Note: This is just a humour piece and is not a part of the appeal so just sit back and relax ^^

--Step One: Can you growl/be really high-pitched?--

a) Yes: Proceed to the next step

b) No: Find a new job

--Step Two: What does your growl/shriek sound like?--

a) OO-WAH-Ah-Ah-Ah:  You are mentally unsound, proceed to heavy or death metal

b) SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: You are a viking wannabe, proceed to power or heavy metal

c) IIIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: Demons possess your throat, proceed to death or black metal

d) *Unintelligibly high shrieking noise*: You might have been born in a dirty cradle, proceed to black or power metal

e) ULULULULULULULULULU: Wrong genre, find a new job...

--Heavy metal: What do you like to sing/growl about--

a) I don't like to sing, I just like to growl: In that case find a female singer with a good voice so you can growl away while she sings. You may need to shift into fantasy metal for this one. However, should have problems with your female singer (with an awesome voice) and suddenly remove her from the band to be replaced by a weak vocalist, then sadly you will have to make wishes at night .___.

b) I like to growl about war, torment, death, hell; without being outright satanic: Get some piercings under your lip and shave your head. Congratulations you are now ready for some serious action. OOOO-WAH-AH-AH-OW! Occassionally animals may exist within your soul and there is the problem of you being locked away in asylums for periods of time, but overall you will find your career fruitful.

c) I dunno, maybe some stuff about dragons; I see 'em when I'm high: In that case I recommend donning a suit of armor. Congratulations you evolved into fantasy metal. Now at this point, you might have evil dreams. In order to banish them, you must become the chosen one, hunt dragons and get into the book of heavy metal.

--Power Metal: What do you like to sing/shriek/growl about--

a) THOR, ODIN, VIKING, MEN, HAIRY CHESTS AND HONOUR: Oooookay, grow a beard, shift into heavy metal, try to wear ancient norse regalia. Growl often and mention wars between gods and of course Odin and Thor. In fact Odin and thor need to be in every song. In fact, you can compose a song entirely with the words Odin and Thor growled at different volumes.

b) Never-giving in, real-life issues, occasionally dracula, mostly the real stuff: Long hair is still a requirement as you must spin your head profusely on stage. This is especially important for the guitarist who will be required to send his brain cells through a spin-cycle with nearly every chorus. It might also help to have a deep and gravelly voice :3 This MAY or MAY NOT lead to evolution into Heavy Metal.

c) WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH: Um, okay I take it you just like to hit the high notes. Don spandex and speak about warriors and honour and valkyries and gods and war. Done! You are now a true sir of conflict!

d) I like to sing about God, the angels, everything pure and wonderous about the light. However, I want it known that all of this comes with war, crusade, holy vengeance and destruction!:  ...You...you funny guy...I like you. Alright, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You can choose to use lots of angelic imagery in your words, always talk about the light and mention merlin or king arthur somewhere sneaky. That said, if you include an amazing female drummer, you may evolve into a rock band instead and change your topics slightly to personal issues and waking up at night. At this point you will evolve into a frying pan that remains comatose and will never wake up without an overdose...of you .____.

--Black Metal: What do you like to sing/shriek/growl about--

a) THE DEVIL! EVIL! DARKNESS! I CARVE PENTAGRAMS INTO MY SKIIIIIIIN: Aaaaalrighty then, make plenty of songs about descent into madness; how religion eats away at us (while promoting your own dark religion) and be sure to use plenty of serpentine imagery to assure your loyalty to the dark prince is proven. Eating of bats/sacrifice of pretty females, MAY or MAY NOT be required depending on your stance and fervor. It is highly recommended to keep bail money under the pillow and to whisper deeply disturbing things to your roommates at night. You may also choose to live in a City of Darkness, quite scenic in the summer ^^

b) I'm more about the darkness of the human soul and the descent into madness. I may work in tandem with females at times: Alrighty then, find a female singer who is willing to join your dark order. Let her know that she will be in the eternal service of Lilith immaculate. Burn her at the stake occasionally in music videos and generally use very very high-pitched shrieking growls to put emphasis on places where you've forgotten the actual lyrics.

c) I like to just sing about agony and pain and how nothing in the world works for me: Um, this genre may not be correct for you. I recommend looking at rock or heavy metal at best. Or maybe just metal in general. That said, it is a requirement that you go and break some guy named Benjamin; it will improve your record sales tremendously. Where you break him is up to you. I personally recommend the knee-caps. CAUTION!: Benjamin may not bow or break and may instead shut the world away .___.

d) I like to just sing about agony and pain and how nothing in the world works for me, BUT I have FABULOUS HAIR and also I fake my screams and growls: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah um...right...uh, listeeeen, I don't know how to tell you this but, you're not...um...you're not in the right genre...or industry...or planet actually...but here's the upside. You can still be a bride ^^

--Death Metal: What do you like to growl unintelligibly about--

a) RAIN WILL WASH OUT DIRT AND SADNESS. LEAVE TEMPORARY MADNESS!: ...Righto...uh, not sure what to do with you. I guess you could make a few songs about winning...all the time...and I guess you ought to write one or two about red rain and things like that.

b) I don't actually speak english as a first language: Find a female vocalist to cover for this. You are now the Violator. Your name shall be a synonym of Blood Dirtied Offspring. Occasionally you may sing in your native language...but when you do no one will understand it anyway. That's cool though, no one understands the english version either ^^

c) I have a show!: You're not a real band and you mispelled Clock

d) *Random growling noises that sound like a caged animal*: There are about sixteen of you guys around. Protip: Increase the playing skill of your band, stop using the 'heaviest' note to play EVERY song. Focus on good rifts and solos. Growl about rainbows and ponydust (nobody will understand it anyway). If you overcome this speaking difficulty, I recommend heavy metal to you ^^

-Chen Yuan Wen, 20th July 2012
Just a humourous piece about metal bands that I've seen/heard. Some are closer to rock but meh, I'm not too specific on genres :3

Enjoy this piece and don't bother faving it unless you genuinely lol'd or something. It's just a filler in between.

Revolution resumes tomorrow. Have a pleasant night/day everyone ^^

-Chen
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnathalieroann:
NathalieRoann Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014   Writer
Loved the Kamelot reference XD
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Professional Writer
Hmmm, I couldn't find my own Kamelot reference O_O

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconnathalieroann:
NathalieRoann Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014   Writer
"b) Never-giving in, real-life issues, occasionally dracula, mostly the real stuff: Long hair is still a requirement as you must spin your head profusely on stage. This is especially important for the guitarist who will be required to send his brain cells through a spin-cycle with nearly every chorus. It might also help to have a deep and gravelly voice :3 This MAY or MAY NOT lead to evolution into Heavy Metal."

Maybe I've missunderstood it xD
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Professional Writer
Haha, I think this one was Iced Earth. Kamelot would be more like: "You have a girl whom you have loved since she was sixteen, almost like a black rose blooming wild: Well if the girl already knew that she was going to die, make sure you ask her what summer was like for her. Then write a song about how much you love her to death and then forget about it and talk about mephisto and demons and hell etc." xD

-Chennie :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconnathalieroann:
NathalieRoann Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014   Writer
lol, this is great too XD
Reply
:iconsmartally12-13:
smartally12-13 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Dat breaking Benjamin reference...
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013  Professional Writer
lol, glad you enjoyed it x'3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconzurthuryx:
Zurthuryx Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
As a huge metal fan, I found this very amusing and funny. Everything for the individual genres were dead on. Excellent job!
Reply
:iconhazelstripe:
hazelstripe Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
Nightwish should've kept their old vocalist (Tarja Truman I believe)... their new stuff is okay but their new vocalist is not.
Reply
:iconnarsilia:
Narsilia Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The new vocalist isn't even in the band anymore xD wise decision!
Reply
:iconhazelstripe:
hazelstripe Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
Tarja, come back, we miss you!
Reply
:iconnarsilia:
Narsilia Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have a feeling that Lady Turunen only comes back when the money is right. And when her ego settles eventually.
Reply
:iconhazelstripe:
hazelstripe Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
That might take awhile. 
Reply
:icongonekrazy:
GoneKrazy Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my god, the Skillet and BB references absolutely killed me! XD
Reply
:icondragonofyang:
dragonofyang Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol.
Reply
:iconglassmuses:
GlassMuses Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012
Nice BB ref. *thumbs-up*
Reply
:iconsumgie1:
sumgie1 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012
Filler, you say? Frankly, this is probably my favourite of all your pieces I've seen. The other things you've done weren't really my cup of tea and didn't hook me. This one felt very close to me as a metalhead (especially, when I am a fan of Disturbed) and, while I don't really feel like putting it in my favourites, I did enjoy it a great deal and did chuckle here and there. :)
Reply
:iconfrostkissxx:
FrostKissXx Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I lol'ed the whole time through...
:3 the BB reference made me laugh, along with the Nightwish one...
Reply
:icondark-harou:
dark-harou Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Love this, love the Nightwish reference ;)
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Professional Writer
Bwahahaha, glad to hear it ;3

-Chen
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:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012
FUN!
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Aye :3

-Chen
Reply
:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012
So I guess you have several bands as your side projects ?
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Professional Writer
Naaaah xD

-Chen
Reply
:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012
Ah ... okies .. but it still seems like you do :P
Reply
:iconsomniumastrum:
SomniumAstrum Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012
Hah XD I love it :heart:
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you for enjoying ^^

-Chen
Reply
:iconmaj0rmaremolester:
Maj0rMareMolester Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a bit late but oh well: Before you break Benjamin you have to ask Alexandria if it's okay xD
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
AHAHAHA! Good one :3

-Chen
Reply
:icon333hf333:
333hf333 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
c) I like to just sing about agony and pain and how nothing in the world works for me: Um, this genre may not be correct for you. I recommend looking at rock or heavy metal at best. Or maybe just metal in general. That said, it is a requirement that you go and break some guy named Benjamin; it will improve your record sales tremendously. Where you break him is up to you. I personally recommend the knee-caps. CAUTION!: Benjamin may not bow or break and may instead shut the world away .___.

I LOVE YOU.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Haha, I love BB, tbh their music is good when you're really down xD

-Chen
Reply
:icon333hf333:
333hf333 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yep~! I've not heard many of their songs, but I love them~!
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Dear Agony, Give me a Sign, I will not Bow, Dairy of Jane, Dance with the Devil, Firefly...these are awesome xD

-Chen
Reply
:icon333hf333:
333hf333 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I will Not Bow and Until the End are my favourites, but Diary of Jane was played in a GEOGRAPHY lesson at my school in a video about volcanoes...
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Professional Writer
o_O? inappropriate maybe xD

Until the end is pretty good :3

-Chen
Reply
:icon333hf333:
333hf333 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nah. I was just daydreaming, then (I hadn't heard it at that time) just thought, "Wait a second, that intro sounds like BB!"

And all was good.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Professional Writer
Haha cool :3

-Chen
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconbrokenrose80:
brokenrose80 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
lmao...nice piece of light hilarity...i happen to listen to a lot of Euro metal bands and stuff and sometimes it isnt in English and I dont care...cause itis the music not the words, just the sound i lurve...anyways great job
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Oh that's okay, I listen to a lot of Visual Kei bands (even though its slightly out of fashion now) xD

-Chen
Reply
:iconserpentineathena:
SerpentineAthena Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student General Artist
I did seriously laugh - I guess my younger brother could get into death metal (he sometimes growls) and still indulge his girly side (flowers, rainbows, and ponydust! Yay!)
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Haha, well then, I'm pleased to have brought a smile to you today :3

Trust me a death metal band would be epic (assuming no one could understand them) if they growled something like this:

Cagessufferburnanddeath!
Poniesonmyeverybreath!
Liveanddieforfluttershy!
Friendshipmagicandyeye!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!

xD

-Chen
Reply
:iconbatmanwithbunnyears:
BatmanWithBunnyEars Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012   General Artist
I know this one is just for a joke, but it's currently shuffled behind a less popular lit piece [link] and there's no lit on the front page again.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Ah, oh well. Guess I'll have to go at it fully force again tonight. Till the admins get back with an acceptable answer we will not stop :3

-Chen
Reply
:icondodgev8:
dodgev8 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Filmographer
If you want good metal songs, listen to early metal/pre-metal songs like Queen's Ogre Battle, Led Zeppelin's The Rover, and Motorhead's Ace of Spades
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Actually I like Blind Guardian, Manowar. I've always been more of a power/fantasy metal kind of guy ^^. Dream Evil was alright during DragonSlayer

-Chen
Reply
:icondodgev8:
dodgev8 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Filmographer
Power/fantasy metal? Then Ogre Battle is a perfect song for you!
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Will check it out later mate :3

-Chen
Reply
:iconnevishere:
nevishere Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012
The BVB bit made me crack up :')
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Well to be honest, the songs they sing can touch the heart a little bit, but I feel the vocals are a tad weak and the screams...need work. The overall message they send is nice, but it lacks the power behind ^^

For example, a real song about fallen angels. Here: [link]

This band is not super popular, but it's good ^^

-Chen
Reply
:iconnevishere:
nevishere Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012
I agree, knives and pens, the morticians daughter and rebel love song are actually quite good, but at the end of the day, they're quite poserish and all look like women xD not that that's a reason not to like them, but it just annoys me that a lot of their fanbase only really like them for their looks and don't notice that Andy isn't exactly the best singer. Jake shreds though! x)
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