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July 16, 2013
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How To be Happy:



A Simple and Humourous Guide:

Introduction:

Often we find ourselves feeling unhappy, feeling depressed and weepy (some would say whiny), but the truth is that all of us feel undeniably shitty. Therefore, having plenty of experience in this area, I have taken it upon myself to present to you this simple guide.

The Low-Down:

Righto, you all want to be happy, but none of you are. You've tried several things:

1. Posted a shitty status on Facebook hoping someone will pay attention to you.

2. Cried after no one liked your post because you have no friends.

3. Submitted your post to DA secrets so they could use it.

4. Felt better for about 30 seconds since people faved your secret.

5. If 4 didn't apply, you cried about it some more and then went to Tumblr for the next six hours.

My dear friends, this cycle is not the solution. You are not making yourself feel better, you are making all of our art look worse, especially with step 3! Hence, I will now demonstrate how to make yourself feel better WITHOUT looking like a whiny child noob.

The Solutions:

Possible Solution #1 - Make original content

Yes, we all know that OP (meaning original poster) is a noob, those of us who are denizens of the internet know this well. However, we also know that OC (original content) is basically what separates the losers from the cool kids. Ergo, by making original content, the possibility exists that one could transform from the loser stage to the cool kid stage.

How do you make OC? Start by using your IMAGINATION (yes I know you just saw spongebob with his rainbow right there).

Using one's imagination can be difficult, it is not an easy thing. Grey Wardens have died while using their imagination, even more than those who fell fighting dark spawn. The key to the imagination however is to have a good setup.

First, you are ALWAYS the hero. NO question about it.
Second, the heroine is ALWAYS your crush. No question about it. If you do not have one pick the hottest anime chick or guy you can think of (NO NEONGENESIS EVANGELION GIRLS! NO OURAN HIGHSCHOOL HOST CLUB [for the ladies]).
Third, you will ALWAYS show off how cool you are.
Fourth, you will ALWAYS pose in front of EVERY mirror no matter how small or how poorly reflective. This may result in you looking through your neighbours window and then posing, but that is part of being cool.

Now comes the important part. Start by imagining the situation, have a good full-length mirror near by so you can see your own expressions. Act out the scenario until you can practically feel your partner in front of you. Once you feel confident enough, do this in freakin' public. Remember, EVERY mirror, even a tiny one in a shopping mall, that's the ticket to practice a smile or a wink or a cute salute.

If people start looking at you funny, it means you failed your stealth check. Go kill several of your favoured enemies (Undead, Goblins, Chinese people, whatever y'know) or if you're not a pure or multi-class Ranger, then your mortal foe (pigeons, mosquitos, spiders, whatever y'know). You will gain XP for this (known as experience points in layman terms), remember to be dramatic for extra roleplaying XP. You will then earn a level up and be able to put 'stat-points' into your cunning attribute or your charisma statistic (depending on your preferred game).

What I really mean though is that you just have to practice until no one can notice it. All of a sudden, blamo, you're living in a world that is freaking much more epic. How else do you think I've lived for the past 9 years?

Lastly, now that your imagination is up to scratch, make up OC from all the situations you encounter, it's guaranteed to get likes or pinkies or whatever you get on whatever website you browse. Problem solved, you're now a popular noob.

Furthermore, you have practice to make yourself happy by acting out scenarios and preparing yourself for conversation and social interaction!

Possible Solution #2 - Become a bad boy/girl/whatever the hell you are

Aight, 62.756667% of the time (don't argue I calculated this!) depression or bitterness is due to the male or female being poor at relationships. You've been the good boy/girl, done all the right things, and them jack-offs just up and leave you for no good reason.

That's cool, it happens. Now are you going to become a beta-noob for life and just sit back being all weepy? No! I'm going to teach you how you can be awesome, without losing your morals and without being a douche.

To begin with, you must understand the term "Bad Boy" or "Bad Girl". It doesn't translate to: "Embarassing noob who vomits all over the place while drunk or does all sorts of drugs or sleeps around a lot."

A real bad boy or a bad girl is someone who lives their own way. Don't conform to societal norms and don't be afraid to avoid following the crowd. A major word of caution here though, is that you need to avoid turning into a hipster. No one likes a hipster. When attempting to not follow the crowd, it is not an official doctrine that you have to do something different. I will demonstrate this with a magical example from example land:

Let's say that everyone is suddenly going crazy for this new band. It doesn't mean finding a band that no one knows about and then listening to every song of theirs till your ears bleed. No one likes a noob who does that. Instead, be proud of whatever band you actually like (whether known or unknown), enjoy their music and don't be afraid to talk about them. Be selfish, shift the discussion topic away from one-direc-noob or whatever noob band is popular at the moment to a band that you think is cool. Don't be afraid to assert yourself.

Now then, I should explain something else: Not everyone is going to listen, people might make fun of you, people might mock you. THAT is where the difference between a loser noob and a bad noob exists. The bad noob doesn't give a damn what the other party thinks! At first you'll find it hard to insert your words and just walk away, but with practice it will happen. Star by just chipping into a topic of conversation, bring it up casually amongst random people. YOU MIGHT FIND AN ACTUAL FREAKIN' FRIEND! Horee-shitake!

That's the truth right there. Remember, being bad is about taking respect by force and then using it to make yourself heard. That's the important thing.

After you have taken this respect, you will become confident in your relationship. You will be able to make it work because you can make your partner respect you as a person. You will be happy. If you expect to just sit down in your bedroom and have your own hentai girl pop out of the screen...your chances are better at remaining a virgin until you're 30. That way you become a wizard! (Yes, this really does work. I personally prefer the rogue class though, I'm mostly dex/charisma so yeaaaah).

Possible Solution #3 - Become sexy so everyone else knows it

22% of the cases of being a sad noob, has to do with the fact that you hate yourself and other noobs capitalise on that and make you feel bad. Alright, that stops here!

I'm going to teach you what to-

OI, U WOT M8? NO EXCUSES!

Go down to whatever sports shop exists. Counter guy gives you a noob look, ignore the noob. Buy a comfortable set of weights and an exercise mat, BUY SOME RUNNING SHOES. NOW GO HOME!

Now that you're back home, I'm going to teach you how to get some cardio, without ever seeing a single soul. Here are some exercises that work:

1. Jumping jacks.
2. Jump rope.
3. Jogging on the spot (but not lazing jogging, knees up to your ancestor forsaken navel soldier!)

While not as good as running, these exercises prevent you from being seen by ANYBODY except your parents. This is the hikkomori way, you will not be seen until you are ready to be seen and you will be ready!

Remember to only do this shit with your running shoes ON! Don't be a noob and go barefoot. Get a thick exercise mat and do it on the mat to preserve your knees and ankles. I repeat DO NOT BE A NOOB.

Also, WARM THE HELL UP BEFORE STARTING. It takes 5 minutes, you can find warm up routines on the internet. Use google. Here I'll make it easy for you: "Easy warm up routine" Plug that exact phrase into googal. Click on the video link, it's the one with the pretty lady. DO NOT GO TO PAGE 2, IF IT'S NOT ON PAGE 1, IT'S GONE MAN!

Now you're gonna need to get a straight 30 minutes of cardio and-

I SAID NO EXCUSES! I'LL DECK YOU IF YOU TRY!

straight 30 minutes minimum, aim for 40 if you can.

After that you'll feel tired. WHO SAID YOU COULD REST! You Will have time to rest when you are DEAD soldier!

Grab those weights!

Do some weight lifts like you're Arnold Schwarneggar or however you spell his name. Yes, I know that you're a girl, but you will do the same amount as a man. This is so you can kick his ass if he starts to give you some sass.

Now, lay down on your exercise mat. Do some situps. Get those abs. Yes, objection noted, you are a female, I repeat you will do the same as a man!
You must defend yourself from sucker punches soldier, your stomach needs to hurt his or her hand, more than his or her hand hurts you. That is the key to defeating your respective bullies. Have I made myself clear?

(This is where you shout: "YES DRILL SERGEANT!")

Lastly, remember to UPGRADE your work out. The Maker did not make you so that you could live, grow fat and get a heart attack. Once you have the basics down. UPGRADE IT! You will get fit, you will get strong. It will take a year, but you will be a sexy god and/or goddess. Work out every day that you can, 7 days a week. Don't start compromising and shit, it's hard but it's worth it!

Clothing looks good only if your body looks good! Furthermore, when your body looks good, you will get hours of happiness out of posing in front of the god damn mirror. HAvE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?

Possible Solution #4 - Learn to use some makeup!

This applies to both MEN and WOMEN and it is best applied after number 3. While the natural look works for those of us who have been blessed by the Maker and his bride Andraste. Most of us, be ugly. I could show you pictures from my glory days and I was dirt ugly, hellah ugly, I was so ugly the paper bag looked better!

Now then, the secret is learning some basic make-up techniques. Once again, google and youtube are the 'books' that you will live by.

BOTH MEN and WOMEN have to learn this. Guys, I know you think looking disgusting works for you, but it doesn't, you look disgusting. A little foundation can brighten up that sun-starved face of yours and prevent you from looking like Edward Cullen. You are aiming to be sexy, not a pedophile. Hence you will NOT be like Cullen.

HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?

(YES DRILL SERGEANT! - Say it noobs!)

Next, for the ladies, DO NOT overdo it. A little foundation and eyeliner are enough. Eye-shadow is optional. Use cover-up for blemishes (MEN are you listening? There is nothing that prevents you from using the same things. It does not make you any less of a man, it makes you as freakin' sexy as the anime guys that you wish you were.)

Note: People often ask 'What about fashion?'. Fashion is relative. You can look good in anything. A simple hoodie, a pair of jeans in an appropriately tight size (and not huge as hell); using the techniques above, you will be FINE! Clothing does not make the man or the woman. The man or the women first makes themselves and then puts the clothing on as a dressing.

HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?

Conclusion:

If you have read this guide then you are armed. You are armed with the knowledge to make yourself happy.

So stop posting whiny statuses about how no one loves you. Do yourself a favour, read the guide, live the guide. If you need someone to motivate you, add me as a friend on facebook. I work out almost every day and I will only let you rest when you are DEAD!

So, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?




-Chen Yuan Wen, 16th July 2013
For the uncensored version copy and paste into a word document and replace all the instances of 'noob' with 'fag'

Alrighty then, I promised a poetry release but the recent self-whinery of all the people EVERYWHERE. Not just DA but on facebook as well...has made me pissed off enough to write this guide on how to be happy.

Happiness does not fall into your lap. You must reach out and grab it and it starts by putting in some effort!

This guide is how I became the Captain that you know me as today. This guide demonstrates how I've kept myself happy throughout all the shit I've experienced.

So do yourself a favour and make yourself happy xD

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:

P.S. Reading solutions 3 onward in the voice of a US Military Drill Sergeant makes it a helluva lot funnier x3.

P.P.S. Regular poetry and prose releases coming soon. This just had to be done first xD

P.P.P.S. If you've like to support me, donate points x'3 I need to buy myself a premium membership since mine just ran out .3.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconchromeantennae:
This is absolutely hilarious, first off. I love the sarcastic elements in this piece, but also the tidbits of truth that are really in this piece. It's a really, REALLY great piece. It's just hilarious, man. I also love the gratuitous of one of my favorite words, "noob."

The best way I can critique this piece is to point out some of my favorite parts of this piece. Mainly, "The Lowdown," simply because I've seen a LOT of people on Facebook do that and the way you use that here, is hilarious. :XD: Then we have, "We all know that OP is a noob," and how "OC is what separates the losers from the cool kids." LOL! Transforming from the loser stage to the cool kid stage. :XD:

I think I love just about everything about this because what you did was pull in the reader and keep him/her interested throughout the entire piece and you did it brilliantly through the use of humor, sarcasm, and wit.

This is a wonderful piece, dude. I most certainly have to check out your other works and we all must remember this guide so we will not look like whiny child noobs. :salute:

:lmao: Great job.
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:iconluminescent0513:
luminescent0513 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you good sir for making my day.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Professional Writer
Glad I was able to my friend ^^ Sorry my reply is so late 

-Chenbeard the Pirate :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconluminescent0513:
luminescent0513 Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No need to apologize, replying late is  better than replying never :)
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:icondeathroman13:
deathroman13 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013
Great pep talk :)
Reply
:icongabuchibi:
Gabuchibi Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
OMG I'm laughing so hard LOL I will follow the guide line by line drill sergeant! Thanks, it's awesome xD
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Professional Writer
You are AB-SO-LUTELY welcome soldier *salute* now get to work on those ABS *3*

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:icongabuchibi:
Gabuchibi Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
LOL YES DRILL SERGEANT!
Reply
:icondrag0nblade:
DRAG0NBLADE Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
THIS MADE ME LOL SO HARD.
Thank for for MAKING MY YEAR.
*instant fav*
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Professional Writer
Always glad to make someone's year LOL

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:

Reply
:iconhumanscolopendra:
HumanScolopendra Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Made me smile ;3
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