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Bedridden
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:iconwordofchen: More from WordOfChen


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WordOfChen by LugiaLuvr13

WordOfChen by angelgirlartist

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June 25, 2013
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Bedridden:

Here I lie, motionless,

A prisoner within my own body.

Yet there lies a subtle clarity;

A moment of understanding, achieved by infirmity.

And though my body is racked with pain,

My conscious mind delves ever deeper into the pool of the soul.

...Falling...faintly...

My mind is flooded with a racket of noise.

I am cast into the swirling rip-tide of forbidden knowledge,

Clinging to the flotsam of sanity as a Leviathan roars below.

It swallows me into an acidic whirlpool.

Drowning me deep beneath the bubbling surface of the past.

And there, in the murky depths where my very self begins to rot,

A grinning maw of tongues and fangs, bids me a cold "hello!".




-Chen Yuan Wen, 26th June 2013
Hey everyone ^^

The Captain's got a medical condition that sort of flares up whenever he gets stressed and the move is probably very stressful for him. In any case, the condition leaves him unable to sleep from pain and so I have politely ordered him to rest for the time being.

However, he woke up later and told me to post this for all of you.

Though his condition often causes him quite a great deal of pain, he often uses those times to put his brain to work thinking up unique ways to express things in writing. So, regardless of whether you enjoyed this piece or not, this was the fruit of that effort ^^.

Anyway, enjoy everyone <3 I have to go listen to another one of his speeches about why 'real men' refuse proper pain-killers and simply endure hours of suffering because 'dat's what it means t' be a REAL MAN!' xD

P.S. I've decided to included an image I drew myself to accompany this poem, you can purchase it for just 10 points (help the Captain earn a little extra eh?) :3 Every purchase helps us a lot! <3

-Co-Captain Bunny Hayes
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:icontowersbeachfairy89:
Holy cow! I really liked this for one (even added it to my favorites) but this is the mood that I was in yesterday and still kinda am. This is very nicely written. You have painted a clear vision and if you pay close enough attention, can pick up on that just by some of the words that are typed here. Your technique is nice too. It's short, simple. There is a lot of emotion in this as well. Impact for me it hit home. Again this is how I felt and still feel like this somewhat. I especially like the second half of this. I feel that there is a lot more emotion shown here, more of a picture for people to see when they read this. Good use of descriptive words and painting a picture.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconayeaye12:
(Copying comment I posted already because it'd make more sense to put it here.)

Best of your stuff I've seen so far. Still sounds a lot more like a reading of prose than poetry, but that might be because it has an urban, Spoken Wordy edge to it, I dunno.

I did like some stuff in here though. "flotsam of sanity" "acidic whirlpool" and "swirling rip-tide of forbidden knowledge" all stood out to me.

I think what might improve your stuff would be to not relate to your imagery directly in-poem, if that makes sense. Basically, instead of saying "cast into the swirling rip-tide..." try something along the lines of "cast into swirling rip-tides...". This makes it sound nicer, and not referring to it directly doesn't take out its magic.

Another (perhaps personal) hint would be to either keep rhyming constant, or to not use it at all. Either accidentally or deliberately, you made a really nice near-rhyme with "clarity" and "infirmity"... but then you don't continue it, and it seems a bit out of place and promises more rhyming without providing any. In my own opinion, this makes the poem lose some of its touch.

However, this is still a good improvement from your other work. Keep it up!
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8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconravenwingedgurl:
Ravenwingedgurl Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I got chills while reading this, its so easy to imagine what is going on. I really like this passage its like one of my dreams ive had. Very interesting indeed.
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:iconsmokedragon:
smokedragon Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013
The Captain has my empathy. The feelings in this work are familiar to me, for the simple reason (in my case) that not everything one inherits from one's forebears happens to be pleasant. Those feelings were well expressed in this piece. I do hope he feels better soon.
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:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
nicely dark :D
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:iconwonder-freak:
Wonder-freak Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
That was good, i wish i still wrote poetry. I loved it :clap:
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:iconmcdony:
McDony Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
I had reached my wits end this helped me get back on my feet miracles really do exist just think of all the possibilities
[link]
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:iconthepeanutbutterfly:
ThePeanutButterfly Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
"Clinging to the flotsam of sanity" ~ love it :D
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:iconeraven77:
ERaven77 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I like the way you weave your words. :)
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:icondomosushiluver:
DomoSushiLuver Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013
i love this poem a lot because i can understand how you feel it's really amazing
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