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Poem Devious Collection by Tanuki-Soul11

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story by michlitsch

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Submitted on
July 5, 2012
File Size
1.4 KB
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316 (who?)
Barely Breathing:

Are you feeling cold in here, lost perhaps
It makes me wonder if you can even hear me
Has your mind degraded into a lump of fat
Broken by what you've been forced to endure?

As I stroke your cheeks it makes me remember
The loving shrillness of your frightened shrieks
You screamed and screamed until your throat was bloody
As I slowly took your limbs from you...

Now you dangle helpless on wires and chains
An artistic puppet, which is made from flesh
No hands or feet to lash out violently
No arms or muscles to thrash...

The breath that rasps from your broken lips
Is the sound that tells me, you are still alive
But rest assured that you will keep on living
For I will never let you go...

I remember those days when you used to mock me
Your taunts were directed at my manner of speech
A lisp that would draw your cruel laughter
Has been silenced by taking the tongue...

Now these tubes that feed into your rigid back
Will keep you alive, if only barely
For now you must suffer, as you made me suffer
In  world where you are barely breathing...

"Now then, where is my video camera..."

-Chen Yuan Wen, 5th July 2012
Fave it if you enjoyed it ^^:
Those who fave in the first hour get a dedication tomorrow. It helps me know who enjoys my work :3.

Author's Comment:

Arrr maties,

Brand new theme and a brand new week. As ye can see, this week's theme is horror. Now, there is a creepypasta floatin' around tha internet called "Barelybreathing.avi". I don't advise ya ta go lookin' for it, as it's poor. I read it over and thought...this person has little idea of what a TRUE SADIST would think.

And so, here is a chilling poem, from the mind of the disturbed. Please enjoy yeselves an don't ferget ta fave if ya want ta see more ;3.

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:

Other Poems by Me:
An Epic Legend - [link]
The Tomb of Khaine - [link]
To Save a Princess - [link]
SCREAM - [link]

Other Prose by Me:
Sanguine Chapter 1 - Release 4 - [link]
Pirate: The Legend of Chenbeard, Chapter 1 - Release 1 - [link]
Mercenary Chapter 1 - Release 1 - [link]
Add a Comment:
My first thoughts were a string of wild expletives. This is surprisingly dark; something I would relate more to myself, but then it did strike me as very similar to something of my own creation, Tassiyk.

The first thing I think that draws me in is the inclusion of the reader. It's a 2nd person piece of writing, a difficult area to write because you then have to account for the reader's capacity for emotion. I can tell you now that you did that remarkably well - the way you did it was not quite definite in cases, it showed the possibility, the confusion...

When I read this, it hit me like an Inquisitor's boltgun. The impact I recieved was stronger than almost anything I have experienced prior in literature, but the reality of it is...worrying.

I have a warning, for your safety, be careful with this style. This darkness, the unhinged, the disturbed, is a magic that can be extremely dangerous. I favourited this because it was a powerful piece of work, and still one of your constantly amazing pieces. For your sake, be careful. The more you delve into the mind of the mad without careful protection, the more dangerous it becomes.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Critique by TheLunarDragon Jul 5, 2012, 8:04:32 AM
Vision: I Gave a full five stars here because your choice of words and ability to seep yourself into the mind of the reader painted a fair clear picture of what was going on in this poem.

Originality: 4 stars, nothing against you as a writer however. But nobody will ever get 5 stars for originality when it comes to Horror and Macabre, because it's a genre that has been "bled dry."

Technique: Going hand in hand with vision on this poem, 5 stars for your impressive ability to portray the character in this poem. As well as subtle hints as to what created this dark character, I loved that little insight. The devil is in the details. Fine work!

Impact: 4.5 stars, for lack of chills, I wanted chills. But I still got a creepy feeling while reading this poem, which is hard to do. Well done, give me more! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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MidNightRise Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
That was Deep.
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank ye kindly fer enjoyin' it :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
TwiUnderSeeker Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012
Great job.
xXScarletShinigamiXx Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
How sadistically wonderful! Okay so yes I enjoy dark poems. New favorite. To torture someone with the illusion of pleasure to ones self as they bleed out your "love".
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist

i have a new group, do you mind putting this in it?
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
You can request it into your group simply by clicking the submit to group button ^^. That would help me out a lot and be faster for you. Any piece you want, just request. It's always accepted :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
kay, jus' wanted your consent
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
no problem and thank you for liking it ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
auntycc Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012
wow depressing, horrific on the mind as i view in my head, cruelty written so fluidly that it didn't miss a beat, and to finish it off with finding the video camera. these are the acts of a sick mind, that takes pleasure in seeing another suffer, and wants even sadder there are actually real individuals who take pleasure at seeing another inpaing. if you wanted to write for a horror movie you'd do well as i love horrors/wicked poem, not one you'd give to a loved one/cc
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