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Barely Breathing:

Are you feeling cold in here, lost perhaps
It makes me wonder if you can even hear me
Has your mind degraded into a lump of fat
Broken by what you've been forced to endure?

As I stroke your cheeks it makes me remember
The loving shrillness of your frightened shrieks
You screamed and screamed until your throat was bloody
As I slowly took your limbs from you...

Now you dangle helpless on wires and chains
An artistic puppet, which is made from flesh
No hands or feet to lash out violently
No arms or muscles to thrash...

The breath that rasps from your broken lips
Is the sound that tells me, you are still alive
But rest assured that you will keep on living
For I will never let you go...

I remember those days when you used to mock me
Your taunts were directed at my manner of speech
A lisp that would draw your cruel laughter
Has been silenced by taking the tongue...

Now these tubes that feed into your rigid back
Will keep you alive, if only barely
For now you must suffer, as you made me suffer
In  world where you are barely breathing...

"Now then, where is my video camera..."

-Chen Yuan Wen, 5th July 2012
Fave it if you enjoyed it ^^:
Those who fave in the first hour get a dedication tomorrow. It helps me know who enjoys my work :3.

Author's Comment:

Arrr maties,

Brand new theme and a brand new week. As ye can see, this week's theme is horror. Now, there is a creepypasta floatin' around tha internet called "Barelybreathing.avi". I don't advise ya ta go lookin' for it, as it's poor. I read it over and thought...this person has little idea of what a TRUE SADIST would think.

And so, here is a chilling poem, from the mind of the disturbed. Please enjoy yeselves an don't ferget ta fave if ya want ta see more ;3.

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:

Other Poems by Me:
An Epic Legend - [link]
The Tomb of Khaine - [link]
To Save a Princess - [link]
SCREAM - [link]

Other Prose by Me:
Sanguine Chapter 1 - Release 4 - [link]
Pirate: The Legend of Chenbeard, Chapter 1 - Release 1 - [link]
Mercenary Chapter 1 - Release 1 - [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbattlebrothertherix:
My first thoughts were a string of wild expletives. This is surprisingly dark; something I would relate more to myself, but then it did strike me as very similar to something of my own creation, Tassiyk.

The first thing I think that draws me in is the inclusion of the reader. It's a 2nd person piece of writing, a difficult area to write because you then have to account for the reader's capacity for emotion. I can tell you now that you did that remarkably well - the way you did it was not quite definite in cases, it showed the possibility, the confusion...

When I read this, it hit me like an Inquisitor's boltgun. The impact I recieved was stronger than almost anything I have experienced prior in literature, but the reality of it is...worrying.

I have a warning, for your safety, be careful with this style. This darkness, the unhinged, the disturbed, is a magic that can be extremely dangerous. I favourited this because it was a powerful piece of work, and still one of your constantly amazing pieces. For your sake, be careful. The more you delve into the mind of the mad without careful protection, the more dangerous it becomes.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthelunardragon:
Critique by TheLunarDragon Jul 5, 2012, 8:04:32 AM
Vision: I Gave a full five stars here because your choice of words and ability to seep yourself into the mind of the reader painted a fair clear picture of what was going on in this poem.

Originality: 4 stars, nothing against you as a writer however. But nobody will ever get 5 stars for originality when it comes to Horror and Macabre, because it's a genre that has been "bled dry."

Technique: Going hand in hand with vision on this poem, 5 stars for your impressive ability to portray the character in this poem. As well as subtle hints as to what created this dark character, I loved that little insight. The devil is in the details. Fine work!

Impact: 4.5 stars, for lack of chills, I wanted chills. But I still got a creepy feeling while reading this poem, which is hard to do. Well done, give me more! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconmidnightrise:
MidNightRise Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
That was Deep.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank ye kindly fer enjoyin' it :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:icontwiunderseeker:
TwiUnderSeeker Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012
Great job.
Reply
:iconxxscarletshinigamixx:
xXScarletShinigamiXx Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
How sadistically wonderful! Okay so yes I enjoy dark poems. New favorite. To torture someone with the illusion of pleasure to ones self as they bleed out your "love".
Reply
:iconckittykatty:
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
OH MY GOSH THIS WAS DISTURBINGLY BEAUTIFUL!!!

i have a new group, do you mind putting this in it?
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
You can request it into your group simply by clicking the submit to group button ^^. That would help me out a lot and be faster for you. Any piece you want, just request. It's always accepted :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconckittykatty:
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
kay, jus' wanted your consent
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Professional Writer
no problem and thank you for liking it ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconckittykatty:
ckittykatty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
anytime...
Reply
:iconauntycc:
auntycc Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012
wow depressing, horrific on the mind as i view in my head, cruelty written so fluidly that it didn't miss a beat, and to finish it off with finding the video camera. these are the acts of a sick mind, that takes pleasure in seeing another suffer, and wants even sadder there are actually real individuals who take pleasure at seeing another inpaing. if you wanted to write for a horror movie you'd do well as i love horrors/wicked poem, not one you'd give to a loved one/cc
Reply
:iconkedonsine:
kedonsine Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Morbid. Just The Way I Like It
Reply
:iconthehappy3:
TheHappy3 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My thoughts ran straight to Saw .. :mew:
Reply
:iconsutsuki-sensei:
Sutsuki-Sensei Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Ok, morbid is an excellent word to be used to describe this. It's good and very well written but morbid all the same. lol
Reply
:iconsamikitty14:
SamiKitty14 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
o.o Very great work cap`n ^.^
Reply
:icondawnfad:
Dawnfad Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
omg this calls for a man hug :manhug: xD dont get any ideas jk jk this is epic in the most evil sick way i love it yay
Reply
:iconbladebites:
BladeBites Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I really enjoy your work. Everything in your gallery is extremely well written, and I have to say this one has been my favorite. :heart:
Reply
:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
So if you were inspired to create Jigsaw ... why not even darker ?
Reply
:iconkyuubiculu:
KyuubiCulu Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't help but shiver everytime I read this. It's amazing in the most morbid way.
Reply
:icontrusts:
TrustS Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
o(^%u25BD^)o
I love this poem so much it's unbelievable.
Reply
:iconmunui:
munui Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
I looked up barelybreathing.avi

I reaaaaally wish I hadn't now. ;A;
Reply
:icondrowningsignificance:
DrowningSignificance Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
After "draw your cruel laughter" shouldn't there be a "that"? 0.o
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
No, the sentence would not make sense if there was xD Poetry often involves a pause, rather than reading it out xD. In this case you pause and the next line is read on its own :3

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:icondrowningsignificance:
DrowningSignificance Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Well, I know, it just sounds like the lisp is being silenced, not the laughter...
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Haha, oh well :3 *resumes accent*

This...was a warm up...tonight...there will be more...better...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:icondrowningsignificance:
DrowningSignificance Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ha...ha..okay...I shall...be waiting... :)
Reply
:icondrowningsignificance:
DrowningSignificance Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
This is absolutely incredible!!!! You portray the disturbed very well (is that good? Haha)! I would fave it right now but I'm on a cellular and, for some reason, I can't fave anything on a phone. :( I really love this!
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
You're welcome...there will be more, tonight...come back again for more darkness...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconxxuracuttiepiexx:
xxuracuttiepiexx Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
that is really gruesome. I would just forgive them. Isn't that a bit extreme?
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Darkness has many levels...come back again tonight and you see another piece ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconxxuracuttiepiexx:
xxuracuttiepiexx Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
okay.
Reply
:icon20tourniquet02:
20Tourniquet02 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
Another amazing poem!
I salute you!:wave:
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
More...will come tonight...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:icon20tourniquet02:
20Tourniquet02 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Great!:la:
Reply
:iconbluedarkangelwings:
BlueDarkAngelWings Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
This is awesome!!
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm glad you like it...tonight...the darkness will rise again...don't forget...to come back and read more...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconbluedarkangelwings:
BlueDarkAngelWings Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
Yes I have read more of your work but what do you mean by 'tonight...the darkness will rise again?
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
*normal accent* each week I have a theme for my poetry. This week is all about horror, and of course the theme changes week to week. I update 4 poems a week and 3 stories, so plenty to enjoy my friend.

*back to the scary accent* Be sure...to come back...for there will be...a new horror...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconbluedarkangelwings:
BlueDarkAngelWings Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
Sweet! I cant wait to read more.
Reply
:iconwhodyathink:
whodyathink Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful...#NoRegrets...:)
-SK
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm glad...more will come...tonight...don't forget...to come back...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconkrusnik03:
Krusnik03 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah, my gosh. Very chilling, though also satisfying in the sense that I feel this would be accurate. Agh, it makes my mind reel with the idea that this kind of thing could appear beautiful to some people.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Darkness and death...can be beautiful to some...fear...holds a potent sway...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconkrusnik03:
Krusnik03 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
...Sure, whatever you say, Cap.
Reply
:iconjokerrlaughs:
JokerrLaughs Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It is rather chilling, but you wrote it wonderfully and I really like it.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm glad...that you liked it...come back again...for more...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconmyennaius13:
Myennaius13 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
I already know for sure that I'm going to love this week's poems.
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm happy...to hear you say that...more...will come....tonight...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconmikopudding:
MikoPudding Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012
beautiful and emotional
Reply
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Professional Writer
I'm glad you enjoyed it...more...will come...tonight...

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
Reply
:iconblahblah109:
BlahBlah109 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
holy crap :O
Reply
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Submitted on
July 5, 2012
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