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other writings by Moonstar-san

Words by HerrTrauer

Poetry by leelu


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September 8, 2012
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Aren't You Ashamed Yet?:

A Mask
Truly an object of mystique and mystery
A simple device, with a painted layer
That conceals a face of rotting worms

Oh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to overlook it?
Let me rephrase it in a more appropriate manner
You are a cowardly, pathetic, miserable, filthy
Unintelligent, soul-sucking, perfidious, bag of rotting worms

You who once held my respect, you who were once my friend
you shared in my secrets and you shared in my dreams
But in the end, it was the lies
The horrible, filthy lies that spew forth from your tainted lips...

I guess it was a simple decision
I had no need to keep up this facade
and so I decided that I too should enjoy this game
and I began to taint my lips with lies

Oh how I enjoyed your anguish and misery...
That wonderous feeling of having you squirm
and before I knew it, I found myself wearing
a mask to hide those rotting worms...

-Chen Yuan Wen, 9th September 2012
Fave it and drop a comment if you want real lit. to be on the FP instead of a secret

A Tribute to this poem was made by :iconzadyyy: - Check it out here:



Author's Comment:

Since secrets are taking over the Lit. spots, I figured I'd try a morning release and write a poem based off the secret.

Here is the sauce: [link]

Now then, I hope you all enjoy this piece of literature...which would be actual literature .___.

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:

Other Poems by Me:
Immortal Butterfly Immortal Butterfly:

I remember the Immortal Butterfly
Translucent wings that drank from the sky
Glittering dust would fall with every flap
Like warm tears dripped upon my tiny back

I would always chase this butterfly
as it makes its way across the sky
When I look I feel as though I can forget
The painful needles that twist into my back

I would always dream of this butterfly
and I wonder if I could ride it and fly in the sky
When I dream about it, I don't regret
Not being able to leave this tiny bed

Sometimes I can't see the butterfly
My vision turns grey like a stormy sky
I get scared during those times, because it makes me thi
You're The Drug That Keeps Me You're the Drug That Keeps Me:

You've got me twisting on the edge
and I beg to stay...
I know I should quit
but I can't walk away...
You're the drug that keeps me whole
when I'm feeling cold
When I'm feeling cold
You've got me in your hold!

EVERYTIME I WALK YOU BRING ME RIGHT BACK HERE
A HUNDRED TIMES OR MORE IT'S GETTING REALLY UNCLEAR
DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK WITH ALL MY HOPES AND INNER FEAR
OR MAYBE CUT ME DOWN SO YOU KNOW THAT I'LL KEEP YOU NEAR?

A hundred times, a hundred pages
twelve different masks and a thousand stages
You've got me beggin' for more
out in the rain at your door
I'm not a man, I'm just your little whore

A
Oh No I Know A Dirty Word Oh No I Know A Dirty Word:

Oh me, oh my, these are dirty words
How low-class, vulgar and simply absurd
You must be a thug, you've no sense of style
Let me sip some tea that was made erstwhile

I shall proceed to comment about who you are
and pointlessly engage you in a mental spar
I must prove my point to be whole you see
for the protection of the word is a duty to me

See I love to pretend that I'm someone pure
Never dirtied a sentence or darkened a door
It's like I'm holy and utterly clean
So don't take my tone as being mean

I'm simply trying to help you right?
Let me show you how to be a snob on sight
Never use the language me
Can I Cut Yet? Can I Cut Yet?:

Hey, Hey Sadako
Hey...
I really want to cut something
can I, can I please?
This girl is talking to me, she seems rather nice
The colour of her eyes makes me think of fucking lice
I want to cut her, I want to cut her so bad!
but that seems to make Sadako really sad...
Okay, I guess I won't cut her

Hey, Hey Sadako
This teacher is really boring
I want to cut him, I WANT TO CUT HIM SO BAD!
I'm in class now, Sadako stands beside me
She points out a mistake I made in my notes
I start tearing at the paper while grinding my teeth
I want to show them my frustration, OH SO BAD!
but that seems to make Sadako really sad..


Other Literature by Me:
Mercenary 1-1 MERCENARY

Chapter 1: Blood is Beauty

Release One: Pages 1 - 3

THE COLD AIR in Baron Rorke's study did little to calm his nerves. He was expecting visitors this night and they were not the best of company. A shiver of dread ran down his spine and he spent most of the twilight hours staring out of a large window which stood behind his writing desk. It was amazing, he felt, how quickly a man could become attached to a life of luxury; only to be made painfully aware of how easy it was to lose it. War was always a frightening thing, even more so when one had the knowledge and sense to realise that it was no longer an exercise of glory, but a si
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwinterkate:
I like how you have this ability to snap your tone.
God, that sounds strange, but you do. You can go from high-minded and musingly intellectual to downright cold in a second. That's a talent, and it's something that's really, really hard for me.
I like how you loop the structure of the poem. Really show it as a cycle of lying and backstabbing. That's also very good.
But I feel like this repeats maybe a little too much. Like we hear the bolded words once too often. I think it's just the originality in general that's getting me, as a matter of fact. You do what you do well, there's no disputing that. I just feel like a lot of the time, you use what I'm going to term 'recycled material'. Masks, death, cutting...there's something I like to call a Rose Poem, because the metaphor of the rose has been so overused. It's a poem that may be really technically good, but whose appeal is lost in the fact that what it's describing has been described so many times before. And I feel like this is a Rose Poem.
I know you can do original stuff. Hell, your take on cutting a while back was very original, even if it wasn't my favorite poem ever. I feel like you could do a much better metaphor than this.


You're probably wondering why I'm being so harsh on you. I am being harsh - normally, with a poem like this, I'd pick one thing and then gently suggest, instead of doing what I'm taking now, which is taking your poem apart by the stanzas.
I'm being harsh because I feel like you can take it. Because after a certain level of popularity on here I feel like people on here stop telling you how you can get better and you deserve to know how you can get better. Because I see a LOT of potential in everything that you do.
You obviously don't have to listen to anything I say. Heck, for all I know you could've stopped reading eight paragraphs ago. You can reject the critique, you can ignore the advice. It's your choice. You're the author.

But I feel like, although you are obviously very good right now, you could get even better.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
33 out of 33 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconinkedlance:
This is a pretty powerful piece. However, there are a few things I'd like to point out.

Firstly, is the 1st line, "Aren't You Ashamed Yet?:", part of the poem?

Another thing is that although the bolding of words related to worms is quite effective in portraying the filth associated, I feel that the bolding of "lies" and "tainted lips" had unnessary attention drawn towards them.

The first stanza captures the idea of the poem quite well. I have no problems here.

In the second stanza, I felt the direct address towards your subject was a little melodramatic and awkward at times. For example, you establish a conversational tone at the start of that stanza but then use words such as "perfidious" that not many people would actually say, making the tone of this stanza inconsistent.

In the third stanza, the use of anaphora ("You... you...you") was quite effective but perhaps the removal of the word 'and' might enhance the effect. Not sure, but you could try it.

In the fourth stanza, I thought the first line was a bit simplistic and redundant when combined with the last three. Otherwise, it seems fine.

The last stanza seemed a little disjointed from the rest of the poem which had a smoother progression. The narrator's direct object is suffering to suddenly and there appears to be nothing in between. The cyclical nature of this poem is effective because it implies that pretence, lies etc... are contagious. However, it may have been more effective if it the ending had been less jagged.

However, I am not an experienced writer myself and the above suggestions are just my opinion so I may be wrong.

Overall, I think this was a fittingly confronting, expressive and impressive poem.

Well done

Thank you

^_*
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
19 out of 19 deviants thought this was fair.

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Flagged as Spam
:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Professional Writer
Who are you? You don't even have a journal by the way. I'm just gonna mark this as spam alright?

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeaaah, there are no 'games' here. If you deleted the journal put it back up, otherwise this still counts as spam and will be marked as such.

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:icondecayingcherrytree:
decayingcherrytree Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this poem, too
It reminds me of a line from a Marilyn Manson song, actully.. just because of the lines mentioning rotting worms. ._.

The worms will live in every host
It's hard to pick which one they eat most
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:icono0sheep0o:
o0SHeeP0o Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2012
'everyone is a hypocrite, and that includes me' i just thought about that, how when the more one one hates something thee more the person will find his/her self following that path, or crashing with that path :D just my interpretation
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:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
A true concept .. we are all facades of things and people we hate .... :S
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:iconamber1010:
Amber1010 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
nice
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:iconinkdweller:
inkdweller Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh my, the fourth and fifth stanza really made this poem for me. What a lovely twist.
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